"A day without a buzz is a day that never was."
Q: How can you tell if someone is a true stoner?
A: They read the short jokes and skip the long ones.
Q: What did the stoner say when the hot chick said HI?
Q: How do all stoners stories start?
A: One time when I was high.......
Q: What do you call a 3-legged stoner?
Q: Why did the pothead cross the road?
A: To get to the dealers house.
Q: What do you call someone who spills hiss weed on the floor?
A: A Drug Abuser.
Q: What's small and grows and makes you see stuff when you lick it?
A: A frog
Q: What's big, has a trunk and sits in a tree?
A: An elephant.
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead
Q: Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead too
Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to the other two.
Q:Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A:It got hit by the monkeys.
"Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of good weed"
You know you're a true stoner when:
- Your bong is cleaner than your dishes.
- You cant find the remote, but you can find the bud you just dropped out of the bowl.
- You Call someone up and forget who your calling.
- Go to call your friend and dile your number.
- When you cant spell dial.
- You have a pyramid of cans in your room.
You know you're really high when:
- You play a game without turning on the system.
- You go and get munchies, but forget to eat them.
- When the phone rings, you answer the door.
- You forget how to work the lighter.
- It takes you an hour to cook minute rice.
- You sell your car for gas money.
Another pothead story : once apon a time, they lived happily ever after.
Stories for stoners.
As the man walks through the back door, he opens the front gate. Only to find the sun setting in the morning while a purple moose yells MOO. The point of the story is to reveal the point of the end.
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.
Stoner Bet -
There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man."
The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorean Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.
"Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?"
The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. He hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.
A stoner finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes."
The stoner says, "I want a six inch joint!" The genie says, "Okay!" POOF! They stuff a six inch joint and smoke it between the two of them. "What's the second wish?" asks the genie. "I want a twelve inch joint," says the stoner. "Okay," says the genie. POOOF! And they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them.
"And the third wish?" "I want a twenty inch joint!!" POOOOF!! So, they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. Finally, the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go."
The genie takes a couple steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."
A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!"
There's an Aggie, a Yankee, an a stoner stranded on a deserted island. A genie suddenly appears and grants each of them a wish. The Aggie says, "i wish i was in Hawaii surrounded by beautiful women. "POOF!! He was granted his wish. Next, the Yankee said, "i wish i was home surrounded by piles and piles of money!" POOF!! His wish was granted. The stoners turn was next. So he looks around, realizes he is alone, and says with a bewildered look, "I wish my friends were back." POOF!!
Stoned Robbers -
Three stoners rob a Candy store. They run out with the candy. They saw the cops chasing them. They each jump in a trash can to try and hide. The cops catch up and whack the first can. "ROAR!" says the stoner. The cops say, "Oh it's a lion, leave it alone." They kicked the second can. "MOO!" says the stoner. The cops say "Oh it's a cow, leave it alone." They then kicked the third can. They kicked it again. And again. The stoner couldn't think of something to say. The cops pull out there guns. The stoner heres the cocking of the guns. They kick it once more. "TRASH!" said the stoner.
Stoner Birthday Present -
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes, how may I help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Jay Lenord! He is hiding pot inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Jay's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Jay and left. The phone rings at Jay's house.
"Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
Four stoners decide to go to Six Flags. On the way out there they see a sign that says "SIX FLAGS LEFT." So they turned around and went back home!
Winning Streak -
Theres a stoner at a soda machine with a hand full of change.. he puts a quarter in, pushes a button, takes out the coke and sets it on the ground, he does this about 6 or 7 times before someone else comes to the soda machine.. the guy stands there waiting as the stoner puts in the quarter, pushes a button, takes out the coke and sets it on the ground a couple more times, finally the guy asked the stoner what are you doing.. the stoner says DUH, I'm winning!!
Stuff Stoners Yell Out
Thats about how old my umbrella is!
Pumpkins arnt pink?
My cars on water!!!!
Help me im stolen.
are you my dealer?
yea, i escaped a couple days ago
why are your eyes white!
Things You wont here from a stoner.
One time when i was sober....
is my tie straight?
lets go to work!
- my homework
- the laundry
- cutting the lawn
- cleaning my room
- takin out the trash
"My dog ate my bag!"
"The remote is just hiding."
"He did it!"
"I was sober!"
"I dont know, it just moved"
"No, he did it!"
"I didnt buy it, they sold it to me!"
"Hello officer, I was just swimming"
"Marijuana, its illegal?"